I’m no longer in denial

I’ve always been the skinny sister… and somewhere in the last 10 years, that changed. I’ve been in denial about it. I still looked in the mirror and saw this tall, hot, fit woman. Last night I saw the real me…

It all started about a year ago. My sister Chris, who has always been the “chubby sister” started losing weight and regularly working out. She joined a fitness class at her kids gymnastics studio and began tracking the calories she ate. She claims to have only lost 17 pounds in the whole process, but suddenly, she’s the “skinny sister”!

So she has been asking me to join the class with her and last night I went for a tryout. It only took 2 minutes for me to realize I was twice the size of every woman in that room. It was all I could do to not breakdown in tears during the 1 hour workout. Everytime one of the women encouraged me for completing an exercise, it only made me want to cry harder. How did I get this out of shape? When did I get so…… FAT?

I cried out in the parking lot after and all the way home. This is when I realized I could do something about it or wallow in self pity. I’ve tried dieting and exercising in the past and I’ve never stuck to it… made it thru a week or even a month, only to fall off the wagon and gain the weight back and usually more. So I am asking myself what makes this time any different? I think it’s going to be my tools.

I’ve been going to therapy and as it turns out I am an addict… a food addict. This seems so bizarre to me, because I always pictured a food addict as someone who is morbidly obese. It’s not… a food addict could be skinny, but what you don’t know is they are probably throwing it all up after they eat. I am a food addict. When I have had a tough day, I soothe myself with ice cream and pizza. When I have a great day, I celebrate with a glorious meal and delicious dessert. My life revolves around food. And it’s killing me. Yes, killing me. I have a strong history of Type 2 Diabetes on both sides of my genetic family. And have lost both grandfathers and a grandmother to heart disease. I am killing myself.

So it’s time to make a change. I posted the status “I AM FAT” on my facebook page and got exactly the response I expected from my loving, well meaning friends: “No you’re not!” “You are fabulous!” “It’s whats on the inside that counts”. While these are all nice things said with love from people who care about me, they are not the complete truth… they are my mask. I am a beautiful woman. Always have been. But now I am a fat pretty woman. I want to be a fit, healthy beautiful… scratch that… HOT woman!

So I have a plan of strategy…  Over-eaters Annonymous Meetings, Weekly counseling, counting every calorie I eat and keeping at no more than 1200/day, doing the FIT class twice a week and spinning classes the other 5 days and lastly I will return to church services once a week.  That last one is because I am more at peace with myself when I am going to church.  It keeps me centered. And I am going to keep this blog.  It will be cathartic I think…  to jot my thoughts down and look back at the good days and the bad ones (because I know I will have them) and learn from this experience.  My goal is to come out on the other end a fitter, healthier, happier me.